A Dark Lady's Hobby
by FanfictionIsAWayOfLife
Summary: The Order has planned a raid on Malfoy Manor, ready to end the war. It would have gone well, if not for the Dark Lady's unexpected hobby: baking. And according to Sirius Black, she's pretty good at it, too! And what's this about a house elf ballet? Not deep or dark, kinda fluffy and fun. fem!Tom Riddle x Harry Potter (Harry's male)
1. Biscuits And Baking

A/N: Master has given Plot Bunny a sock! Plot Bunny is freeee! Okay, that got weird quick. fem!Tom Riddle x Harry Potter (because there aren't enough of them around) And if this or any other one of my stories inspires you to write something, or you want to use something from my plot lines, it's A-Okay! PLEASE send me a link to your story so I can read it! Thank you! Anyways, enjoy! ;D

All members of the Order of the Phoenix were gathered around a table at Grimmauld Place, going over the final details of their plan. It seemed perfect; they would use a house elf named Dobby to transport them inside Malfoy Manor, to the kitchens, and then fan out to secure their control of the rest of the Dark Side's base. Each unit was planned to have unit leaders, including Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Mad-Eye Moody, and Kingsley Shaklebolt. They would take down any encountered Death Eaters while Dumbledore himself fought the Dark Lady. It would have gone well, if only the Dark Lady had normal Dark Lady hobbies like torture and mindless killing. But that was not the case with one Tom Riddle.

As the Order arrived in the kitchen, they first noticed the smell of freshly baked biscuits. That was not unusual in a kitchen, so the appealing smell was quickly dismissed. The woman holding the tray of biscuits was, however, shocking. Her dark brown, wavy hair was in a messy bun, and she was dressed in comfortable navy blue yoga pants and a white t-shirt. As she turned around they saw a pair of brilliantly crimson eyes.

"Tom, my girl, are you...baking?" Albus asked, flummoxed. He had assumed she was not the type of person to enjoy things like that. Terrorizing Muggles seemed much more likely. And she was even wearing an apron! With Muggle clothing! He was getting too old for this.

Stunned silence filled the room, everyone speechless at the spectacle. Tom Marvolo Riddle. The Dark Lady. Baking.

Tom quietly set the tray of biscuits onto the counter, and cautiously said, "Yes, I bake, Dumbledore. It's a completely normal hobby, thank you very much. Now why are you here? It's a Saturday."

Twinkling, the old man replied, "I know which day of the week it is, my girl. I had planned on raiding this manor," seeing her tense, continued, "But now I would like to know why there are so few people here. There is only you and one other. Where are the rest of your Death Eaters?" A few murmurs of agreement could be heard from the rest of the group, each wondering the same thing (among others).

Rolling her eyes, the flour-covered Dark Lady answered, "They have the weekend off like always. I do as well, so leave me alone already," she said, growing frustrated. Can't she enjoy her weekend free of paperwork just for once? "As you can see, I'm quite busy at the moment." She then gave her best Get-Out-Of-My-Sight-Now Glare. Too bad it had never really worked on the idiot. Grrr. Oh well. Now, to add the eggs and stir the second mix for two minutes until light and fluffy...

"Are those double chocolate chip biscuits?!"

Great. Black was there.

"Yes, Black. Would you like one?" she asked, genuinely curious. A chorus of "Don't do it!"s and "It'll kill you!"s followed her question. Really, how stupid were these people? Like she would poison her own food. Imbeciles.

"Uh, I don't know...maybe..." he paused for a moment, considering the option's pros and cons. After a few seconds of contemplating, he casually said, "Yeah, sure. Why not?" So Tom handed him one of her biscuits, with or without a comment about stupid Gryffindors and how their stomachs override common sense. "It actually tastes good! Like, Hogwarts-level good!" he said in amazement. Who knew that the most feared witch in history could bake?

Before Tom could form a snarky reply, a young man of about twenty came into the kitchen. His raven hair was messy, similar to Tom's, but his eyes were a startling Avada Kedavra green. Was that-?!

"Harry, get out of my kitchen," the busily stirring woman said. The entirety of the Order of the Phoenix once again went into shock. Harry, their Harry, was in Malfoy Manor, not only talking civilly with his arch-nemesis but holding her by the waist now as well! Did he just nuzzle into her neck?!

"Aw Tom, I just want to spend some time with you, love," he said in the sweetest voice he could muster. She could no doubt feel his "innocent" smile on her neck.

"Of course. This has nothing to do with you trying to convince me to bake treacle tarts again," she absently stated as she popped another tray of biscuits out of the oven, this time oatmeal raisin, her favourite.

"Please, Tom? My darling, my sweetheart, my love, won't you bake me some of your wonderful, heavenly treacle tarts?" He looked at her with big puppy dog eyes, and she sighed, knowing she couldn't put up a fight against those expressive green orbs. Although, soon after she smirked at him, turning around in his arms. The Order was still dumbfounded, their brains overloaded by all the information they received today.

When Harry raised an eyebrow at her look, she calmly said to him, "Since I knew you would ask me so nicely, I've already made some for you, darling. They're under a freshening charm on the counter by the cupboards." That made Harry's eyes shine, and he proceeded to give her a loving kiss. Tom gave a soft laugh as he practically skipped to the treat, snagging a double chocolate chip biscuit on the way.

Having just now noticed the paralyzed witches and wizards standing in the kitchen, their mouths gaping, Harry awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, and said, "Um, hey guys, what're you doing here?" He really was a master at conversation.

They just stood there, until Remus spoke up, being the voice of reason, saying, "Hi, Harry. We were just stopping by. I think we're all going to go home now and have a nice cup of tea... With chocolate. Plenty of chocolate... See you later, then." He still seemed a bit dazed (they all did) as Dobby escorted them out. Albus later concluded that it was just a very strange shared dream that meant absolutely nothing. But still, the next plan they made included a plan of action for random things a Dark Lady would do in her spare time. Like baking.


	2. What's This About A Ballet?

A/N: Okay, this one is definitely weirder than the last chapter. It's still funny and fluffy, though. Only one slightly deep comment in it. This fic was meant to be a oneshot, but I have too many plot bunnies hopping around my head for that to ever happen, so here we are. Please enjoy!

Alright. They were ready. Again. Since Plan A didn't work, the Order came up with Plans B through K, believing they covered every normal hobby a person can have. They would not be thwarted by something as simple as _baking_ again! They had plans in case the Dark Lady liked gardening, Irish dancing, painting, and even chicken farming! The Order was ready for any eventuality. Even with Harry at Malfoy Manor, they we ready. Not to say they weren't confused by that plot twist, but that was beside the point. Finally, they'll be able to get rid of that Dark Lady! (Not that Sirius really wanted to, he liked her cooking. Harry had good taste.) All the plans they made took a few months to create, so by now it was almost time for Christmas.

"Is everyone ready? Do we all have our hedge clippers and chicken coop supplies?" Albus asked, and though it would normally be an odd question, he thought it was appropriate in their situation. After seeing his friends and comrades nod or mumble in agreement, he continued, "Yes? Very good. Since Harry invited us to come over this evening, we have the perfect opportunity to execute any or several of our new plans, depending on what we stumble upon as we arrive." He was confident they were prepared for any other hobbies Tom may have. But still, baking? He'd never understand how _that_ happened.

"Are you sure we should do this, Albus? She didn't seem too bad last time. She even gave me a biscuit! And it tasted good! Maybe Harry's changed her," Sirius said, looking a bit uncertain. If his pup liked the witch, there was bound to be some redeeming quality about her-besides cooking, of course. He trusted his godson. And there have been less raids...

Putting another package of emergency chocolate into his robes, Remus agreed, "Sirius has a point. I mean, she lets her followers have the weekend off and I didn't smell any blood in the entire manor, even coming from the dungeons," seeing some people start to change their mind, he went on, "And Harry wasn't afraid of her at all. He even went up to her and kissed her." He wasn't too sure how he felt about that with Riddle having killed two members of his pack and all. But he could smell the happiness and love his cub and Riddle felt for each other, so he might be able to move on from that point.

Even though Sirius and Remus tried to stop the Order of the Phoenix from going through with their plan(s), Albus managed to convince everyone to do it for the Greater Good of the Wizarding World. The Light would prevail, no matter how many benefits the Dark gives their followers or how un-evil the Dark Lady appeared (or how good at baking she was).

As they Apparated to the gate of Malfoy Manor, they steeled their resolve. They would win, no matter what was behind the front door way ahead of them. The Order members only went to the gate first because they wanted to at least be polite before they took out the Dark's leader (even if that in itself was a bit rude). Once a house elf let them onto the grounds, they proceeded to the door. It was understandable that a good number of the witches and wizards were wary of what was behind that door, since what happened last time was unthinkable. The Dark Lady. Baking. Simply inconceivable.

Even with Plans B through K prepared, the Order was once again shocked at what they saw (which was quickly becoming a familiar feeling). Several house elves were lined up in a row, on what appeared to be a stage. They were all wearing things ranging from red and green striped tutus and pointed shoes with bells to Santa Clause and reindeer outfits. One reindeer-elf even had a red nose! The stage was set with gigantic pieces of candies, with liquorice trees and gingerbread buildings. Lollipops and candy canes lined the sweet tart-paved street, making the stage look like a candy town. And in front of the stage, the Dark Lady herself could be seen directing the elves in something resembling the Nutcracker ballet.

"Tom...?"

Dumbledore was floored. Now _this_ was even more unexpected than what happened last time! He thought Tom hated sweets and-and-and anything happy, really! But here she was, directing the most adorable and hilarious ballet he ever saw. Oh great, the elves were singing Jingle Bells now and doing the can-can! He'll die one day from this, he was sure. He really needed a lemon drop. Were there some on that liquorice tree over there?

Looking over at Remus, Sirius shrugged. He then went onstage and joined in on the chorus with a huge grin, even doing a few enthusiastic kicks in the can-can line.

"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey!"

May Magic have mercy on their souls.

Remus burst out laughing, and transfigured an elf-like outfit onto Sirius, pointy hat with a bell and all before he joined in himself. They started singing Frosty the Snowman next, to Sirius' great pleasure. Tom just gave a pleased smile and told him to swing those hips more. She had to admit, Harry's mutts were growing on her. And they brought an audience for her masterpiece. How thoughtful of them. She'll have to bake some more double chocolate chip biscuits for them...

"Sashay! Sashay! Pirouette! I need flowing, people! And Mimsy, please wear _both_ shoes while dancing," Tom said. Really, why did that house elf insist on wearing only one shoe? She'd never understand that one.

While this was all happening, most of the Order decided to make chairs for themselves and just watch the ballet. It wasn't that bad. Actually, it was pretty awesome (not that they'd say that out loud about any ballet of the Dark Lady's, of course). They didn't have a plan for the Dark witch's hobby of stage directing and choreography. Sigh. Who knew she was so well-rounded in her activities? At least they didn't all faint when she started singing All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey. She sang it to Harry, who just came out from behind stage left wearing a red Santa Clause hat. That was pretty sweet of her, and they couldn't help but hate her a little less for it.

The Order eventually decided they'll try to take out the Dark Lady next time. Right now, they just wanted to watch the ballet and have fun. And maybe she wasn't that bad after all...


	3. I'll Make A Man Out Of You

A/N: Hello again, fellow fanfiction enthusiasts! This particular idea struck me this morning and made me grin all day long. I got several odd looks for it, but whatever. I can finally post it now! Yay! And if you have any crazy ideas you want to share with me, be my guest. Your idea just might prompt me to go on another writing spree. Please enjoy the fic ^.^

At this point, the Order wasn't going to bother coming up with a plan. They were going to be shocked or traumatized either way, so they might as well just roll with it. It was too much effort to make over 50 plans and not use a single one. And besides, they did a bit more research on the Dark Side and found that the Death Eaters get free dental insurance (which Hermione approved of) and other medical benefits. No wonder being Dark was so appealing (not to mention the fact that they get biscuits).

"Alright, people. We're going over to Malfoy Manor in five. Anyone who cannot take the surely surreal experience should stay here," Kingsley said to his fellows. Only Albus sat down, muttering about losing his grip on reality and how crazy young people were these days. Poor man, he just wasn't the same after that ballet. Every time he saw a tutu he would run out of the room, screaming, "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!" Maybe that ballet was some arcane form of psychological torture? Kingsley didn't want to know.

Everyone else was assumed to be willing to go. Most of them at this point didn't care if they were actually going through with the raid, they were just curious about what the heck the Dark Lady was doing. First baking, then house elf ballets. Now what? Whatever it is, it must be mind-boggling. They had to know, even if they might turn out like Albus Dumbledore.

Those brave souls.

The Order Apparated to Malfoy Manor once again, and were quickly let in by an amused house elf. Was it just them, or were those house elves enjoying their shocked reactions? Their musings were cut short as they were led to the door of what they presumed was the meeting chamber. It was tall and solid-looking, ornate yet still slightly intimidating (as expected of any door belonging to the Malfoys). Many voices could be heard behind the door, a few of which they recognized. They had stumbled upon a Death Eater meeting!

"Quick, get your wands out!" Mundungus whisper-shouted, for once sober and alert. This just caused a bunch of eye rolls, because what fool _wouldn't_ have their wand at the ready when on enemy territory? No one wanted to say anything that would discourage him from being sober, though, so their mouths were kept shut. At least he was trying to be helpful.

Since it looked like no one else was willing to open the door, Moody just gave a huff and shoved it open himself. Immediately, the voices heard earlier became louder in volume and some sort of...music?...became clear as well. Hundreds of Death Eaters in black robes were sitting on the floor, criss-cross applesauce style Sirius pointed out, before some sort of magically-run muggle projector. It looked like a portrait was projected upon the wall, only _it just kept moving!_ Amazing!

The Death Eaters barely glanced in their direction before shrugging, and then telling them where the popcorn was located. It was their time off, they weren't going to waste it trying to curse the Order of the Wannabe Flamingos. They had a movie to watch! Arthur zoomed in on the projector as soon as he got close enough to it, and was sat between Crabbe and Goyle Senior to make sure he wouldn't dissemble it. Just in case. The Order eventually located the Dark Lady, who was sitting on her throne eating some buttered popcorn. Huh. O-kaaay then. Seeing them, she sighed, put down her treat, and gave them a flat look.

"What?"

She was not amused. It was almost her favourite part in Mulan, darn it! They'd better hurry up!

"Um...so, what are you doing?"

Circe give her strength. She saw where Harry got it from.

"I'm having a Disney movie marathon with my minions," she said tersely. When it looked like they were about to ask her more questions, she quickly added, "Harry's getting us more movies to watch. We've already seen Bambi, Bambi II, Lilo and Stitch, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White. We're watching Hercules next. Feel free to stay, just keep your voices low when there isn't singing." She quickly glanced at the scene on the wall, and her eyes lit up. It was time!

As if on cue, every Death Eater present and even the Dark Lady herself sang, " _LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!"_ The whole chamber shook from their enthusiasm, and could only have been held together through magic. Some Order members started laughing at the fact that it was a muggle song in a muggle movie that the Dark members were singing to, while others (like Sirius and Remus) sang along. They didn't know half the words, but that didn't stop them from trying! By the end of it, everyone was singing together, " _I'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOOOOUUUUU!"_

With a crazed glint in his eye, blonde hair flying, Lucius Malfoy gave a great leap and karate kicked the air, yelling, " _HYAH!"_ What can he say, he really did love that part. It doesn't matter if the people around him slowly edged away...

So the Dark Lady liked watching Disney movies. No one who was pure evil could like Disney, which meant that there was no way the Dark Lady was all that bad. They even had more proof! Some Death Eater named George told them that everyone, _including the Dark Lady,_ cried during Bambi. So she really does have a heart. Either way, they were definitely coming back for the next movie night!


	4. Artwork and Fluff

A/N: I am honestly surprised at how tame this chapter turned out. There are no Heffalumps or dancing spoons involved. At all. Shocking, really. It's quite fluffy, though, so be warned. Let the reading now commence! ;)

Although busy with her students at Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall finally found the time to check in with the Order. She knew something wasn't right. Albus…he just wasn't the same. Something must have happened to turn the formidable wizard who defeated Gellert Grindelwald into a man who was currently rocking himself in the the dark corner of his office, clutching his wand and his Lemon Drops for dear life, muttering nonsense about Dark Ladies orchestrating house elf ballets. She really needed to get Poppy to check him out.

As she flooed in, she could hear Kingsley verbally going over a sort of battle checklist. A very strange one, she decided. Who needed popcorn, dancing shoes, a song book, and double chocolate chip biscuit mix for a raid? Maybe they all needed to be checked out by Poppy.

"Minerva!" Sirius said, eyes filled with glee, "Are you coming with us to the party—cough—raid?" He looked all too happy at the prospect, but she could not for the life of her figure out why. This was definitely suspicious (not to mention how Remus quickly elbowed him to cut him off from saying something). Her fellow Order members gave each other similar looks before all breaking out into simultaneous grins. Why did she feel like she was missing something?

"Yes, Black, I will come along. I'm finally done grading those miserable, absolutely deplorable essays. I swear, trolls could be more eloquent and understandable than those first years!" she said, the curious turn of events momentarily forgotten.

Kingsley sighed, shaking his head. Poor Minerva, she really had no idea what she was getting into. He tried not to be too obvious in his pitying looks, though, because he loved shocked reactions as much as the next guy. It felt good knowing that he was not the least prepared for whatever crazy thing they were about to witness.

After making sure they had everything they thought they would need or could bribe the Dark Lady with, they all went to the manor. They knew the house elves by name now, and could let themselves in. Minerva only protested a little before Remus quietly shushed her. It wasn't worth it, yet, he said. Just go along with it.

This time, the Order was brought to a room filled with skylights and open space. It was calm, relaxed, and the complete opposite of whatever they were expecting. There was an easel in the center of the room, holding the canvas that was currently being painted on by a woman in a striped, long sleeved shirt and jeans. The jeans had several paint splotches on them in varying colours, ranging from neon yellow to sea-foam green. The woman, also known as the Dark Lady, was wearing a cute beret on her head. Her hair was also not spared from the paint.

The model for the painting was currently blushing scarlet, since he was only wearing a sheet (a toga, Tom corrected him). He had a laurel wreath wrapped around his head, and was standing on a chair so that Tom could get the perfect angle of him. While Minerva was gaping like a fish, Sirius decided to start up the conversation.

"So, Harry, wear dresses often?" he said with a smirk. Tom rolled her eyes, then got back to work. Lightly bring the blue across the page with minimal pressure…

"Sirius! This is not a dress! This is a _toga_! It's a symbol of culture and civilization. And you can't say anything, either, since you wear _robes_. They look more like a dress than togas do!" Harry shouted, now even more embarrassed about his state of dress. His toga, he meant! And if he wore a dress, it would be stylish, thank you! He _did_ have a fashion sense!

Tom growled, then snapped at Harry to hold still or no treacle tart. He quickly became a statue. Sirius just kept laughing. Man, he hoped she became his goddaughter-in-law. She got Harry _whipped_.

"R-Riddle?" Minerva asked, shaken up at the interaction. How was this _possible_? Why weren't they all engaged in a battle for the ages? Where were the Death Eaters, for that matter?!

The Dark Lady blinked up at her, only now noting her presence, and said, "Minnie? You finally came! I made some biscuits for you on the counter in the kitchen, dear." She was smirking. She would get the expected reaction in

Three…

Two…

One…

"WHAT?! SHE GETS BISCUITS BUT NOT ME?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE MY GODDAUGHTER-IN-LAW ONE DAY, YOU EVIL, CONNIVING, LITTLE—!"

"Your biscuits are next to the easel, Sirius. Need you ever doubt me?" she said, noticeably trying not to crack up. The longer she spent around those silly Gryffindors, the less she could keep her masks together. Harry was grinning at her, love shining through his emerald eyes. Maybe Sirius had a good idea…

Trying to change the subject to help the rest of the crowd out, Remus asked, "May we see your painting?" In response, Tom turned the canvas toward them. The painting was not what they expected. It was Harry, yes, in his toga and headwear, but he looked like he was made of stone. It was a painting of a sculpture of Harry, based on Harry himself instead of a sculpture of him.

"I couldn't decide if I wanted to paint or sculpt him, so I chose both," she explained, quite proud of her work. She was going to frame this later and hang it in her (the Malfoy's) kitchen alongside her other portraits of Harry. After all, he was her favourite model.

"How long has he been standing there?" Remus asked, suddenly curious for the person he considered his son. All the while Sirius was happily munching on his biscuits without a care in the world.

"Oh, only about four hours," she said smugly. Harry had to work for his treacle tarts when she was on a painting kick. Last time, he had to stand until his legs nearly gave out. He said that it was entirely worth it, though, since she made him a wheelbarrow full of the treat. They were both very pleased with the outcome.

Remus decided that if Tom Riddle ever asked him to be a model for her, he would politely decline. The rest of the Order agreed. And poor Minnie McGonagall decided she was never coming on a raid again, even if she did get biscuits out of it. That Dark Lady was terrifying in her cuteness. She shivered.


	5. And Bingo Was His Name-O

A/N: Here's Chappie 5! I don't know where this came from (most likely dimension 53PB). It's my longest chapter yet! And I forgot to mention that the last chapter was inspired by WolfieBones's suggestion in the comments. Thank you! This is the American version of the game the chapter includes, since I don't know the British version well enough. Now on to the randomness ;{)

This "raiding" of Malfoy Manor was quickly becoming the highlight of the Order's month. Or week. Or whenever they felt like going, really. It was just so much fun now! And although a few members broke from the shocking and strange events (i.e. Minnie and Albus), the rest found it to be a unique form of stress relief. They could get biscuits whenever they wanted there, they could watch an adorable ballet, there were monthly movie nights, and they could get cultured through watching the making of magnificent artwork by the Dark Lady. What's not to like? So while Minnie joined Albus in that dark corner to rock and suck her thumb, eyes searching for the person in her nightmares, the Order unanimously voted to check out what was going on today at the manor.

Sirius decided that whatever it was that was going on there, he would try to get some more biscuits. They were _amazing_. Maybe he should switch sides. After all, they _did_ offer an unlimited amount of biscuits to new members… He started quietly laughing at the idea of the Dark Lady holding a tray of biscuits, saying, "Come to the Dark Side, we have biscuits." He probably would have joined if he was offered that. And he could mess with Harry daily! The laughter turned maniacal with that idea.

Remus warily glanced at Sirius as he just kept on laughing. He made a note to keep an eye on him today, since any laughter longer than two minutes meant someone was going to wind up fluffy and pink, maybe with a cheetahprint fedora on as well. He hoped it wasn't going to be him this time.

Ignoring their now-cackling member, the Order continued on to Malfoy Manor. Mimsy let them in, and she was still wearing only one shoe. They would never understand that elf. They walked toward the meeting chamber and for once noticed the portraits hung up in the hallway. All were of the various Malfoy family members throughout the ages, which would have been normal if they were all stoic or disdainful looking. Instead, some were jumping rope in red long johns or styling others' golden hair into pigtails or even racing each other on canary-yellow rhinos. And they were all _laughing_. And _smiling_. Sweet Merlin, who were these people? Craziness must run in the family, they thought, as memories of Lucius karate chopping the air went through their mind. Moving on now.

If those wacky portraits weren't enough, what inside the chamber was. Three words: Death Eater Bingo. Those supposedly evil beings were gathered around several tables, haunched over their Bingo cards with crayons in hand. The more intense Bingoers used blotters, always at the ready. Some were vibrating in their seats, visibly one square away from victory, while others formed a support group in the center for those who only had a square or two filled in. Some were openly weeping at their untouched cards. At the front of the chamber, the Dark Lady and Harry were using a wire cage with a handle to spin out balls with a letter and a number on them.

"B7!" Harry called out, causing widespread groaning. Only a Death Eater or two made noises of excitement, and they were quickly silenced by the others. Death Eaters took their Bingo quite seriously, the Order supposed.

It was quickly understood why the Dark wizards were so serious when the Order saw the prize table. It was glorious. The long, rectangular table was piled high with prizes, almost reaching the ceiling. The prizes were of all types of values, from a few knuts' worth to several hundred galleons'. Things like invisibility cloaks, expensive Acromantula-silk robes, silly costumes, candy, ancient scrolls, and a Buy One, Get One Free coupon for Weasley Wizard Wheezes were all included in the mountain. For Sirius, though, only one prize stood out:

A ginormous platter of biscuits, made by the Dark Lady herself.

Biscuits of all types and shapes were included on that silver platter, oatmeal raisin to white chocolate to almond to gingerbread to frosted sugar were all there. They ranged in shapes from normal circles to Hippogriffs. But all types paled in comparison to the load of purely double chocolate chip biscuits in the middle of the mound. Those biscuits alone made up 90% of the tray. Sirius locked eyes with Tom Riddle. She smirked, challenging him to win that prize. He then knew she made it just for him.

Those Death Eaters were going _down_.

Sirius grabbed a card and a blotter then quicker than lightning sat down. All the Order saw was a blur. Sirius blotted out all the numbers already called, then gave his entire attention to Harry. He was gonna get those biscuits, so help him Merlin!

Seeing the look in his eye, quite a few Death Eaters decided that their life was more important than a Bingo prize. They slowly moved out of the chamber and away from the Black. They knew from dealing with Bellatrix that a Black on a mission was not one to be messed with, and if he wanted those biscuits, by Morgana, he could have them.

The other Order members were going to play the game as well, but made sure to tell Sirius that they were trying to win a prize other than the one he had his sights on. They weren't Slytherins, but let it not be said that they did not have a self preservation instinct.

One Death Eater, despite the rest, was aiming to win those very same biscuits. They were made by his Lady, and he would not bow to the whims of a puny, pathetic Gryffindor mutt! He openly glared daggers at Sirius, who returned his look. Everyone else put down their Bingo cards to watch the oncoming showdown. This was going to be the Bingo fight of a lifetime!

Harry was a bit concerned with the looks his Dogfather was sending that Death Eater. They were almost murderous now… He tried not to worry too much about it, though, because he knew Sirius could handle himself in a duel. Plus, Tom didn't seem worried. She was in fact grinning more than a Cheshire Cat, which might have been a sign of nearing doom, but he loved her, so it must be fine. At least, that's what he hoped.

"N41!" Tom eagerly exclaimed. This was so exciting! She had planned for something like this to happen (which was why she made so many biscuits), but Sirius was reacting more strongly than she had ever anticipated. And one of her minions actually had the gall to compete with the mutt! She was so proud of that minion, yet at the same time she was wondering about his seemingly nonexistent self preservation instincts.

Sirius lunged at his card with the dotter, triumphantly marking out N41. Only two more spaces until he had a Bingo! The glory of glories was within his grasp! Gerald, however, was getting nervous. He didn't have that space! He was so close, only two away, but now that mongrel was tied with him. This wasn't good.

"G56!" Tom shouted, leaning way over the table they were set up on. She was really getting into it, Harry thought. She was nearly falling off her chair, yet she didn't notice it in her enthusiasm. He loved this about her. She was so unpredictable in her interests at times and her passion for her hobbies was just plain beautiful. Simply breathtaking. He already got the ring he was going to give her, which was good. It was currently in his left robe pocket. Hopefully, he could gather some Gryffindor courage sometime soon…

Both Sirius and Gerald had G56, and marked it each with a shout. Only one more spot left! Just one more! They were so close to winning those biscuits they could practically taste them!

Remus bit his nails nervously. He hoped his best mate would win. They were neck and neck right now. All attention was on their little competition. He had no idea what to do if Sirius lost this Bingo round… He might get depressed, or furious, or he might lose even more of his sanity, and oh Merlin, what would he do if he cried?!

Kingsley looked worriedly at Remus as he started hyperventilating. Should he try to help him? He considered the thought for a moment. Nah. Let him figure it out. This intense round of Bingo was just too interesting to pass up on. "Go Sirius!" he cheered, trying to show his support for his comrade. He was really starting to love these raids.

With an air of finality, Tom read aloud the ball, saying, "O71!"

Both Sirius and Gerald paused, looking up at each other. Sweat was streaming down their faces from the importance of this moment. Each looked for any signs of final victory in the other's features, but found none. Neither had that square. The atmosphere only seemed to become heavier as another ball was drawn. This one, they all thought, would be the final ball. The one telling who the victor of the round would be. The one saying _who would win the biscuits_. No one breathed.

"O66," Tom said, watching as Sirius's face lit up.

"BINGO! Bingo Bingo Bingo! I got a Bingo!" Sirius shouted at the top of his lungs. He had won those heavenly delights, those pieces of double chocolatey goodness! As he danced on the table, singing the praises of biscuits and Dark Ladies everywhere, Gerald hung his head in defeat. He raised his head soon after, though, when he decided that even if he had lost this battle, he had not lost the war. Bingo was held once a month. He would be ready for the next battle. Yes, the Great Bingo Biscuit War had only just begun.


	6. Knitting Is Calming

A/N: Hi y'all. I love you all so much for favouriting, following, and/or reviewing this fic, and also for taking the time to read its weirdness. I'm so happy that this is enjoyable! And remember, suggestions for hobbies are always welcome. And any Britpicking! Warning: this chapter is…fluffy? Not entirely funny? I don't know what to call that one part. And slight Remus/Fenrir, so if you don't dig it, ignore it or move on to another fic. Now onward to my plotbunny! :D

"It's that time again!" Sirius shouted, running throughout Headquarters. It might have only been 6 AM, but nothing can keep a good dog down! (Especially when he knows that he'll get some rockin' biscuits soon, curtesy of the Best Dark Lady Ever.)

Groans rang out in the halls as the Order members were forcefully pulled from their slumber. Why did they choose to live there again? The enthusiasm of the stupid mutt this early in the morning inspired homicidal tendencies in everyone, including Remus. He was never a morning person, but now he just wanted to wrap duct tape around Padfoot, Silencio him, toss him in the toy bag he still had from the ballet, and then shove him in a closet somewhere. But knowing his best mate, he'd be out again in less than five minutes due to the biscuit incentive. Darn.

"Can we go now? Can we go now? I wanna go now! BISCUITS! BISCUITS! I WANT MY BIS—Oomph!"

Remus really had to thank Mad Eye for stuffing a sock in Sirius's mouth. Everyone patted the Auror on the back for his quick thinking and ingenuity. They then proceeded to get ready for the day at a more sedate pace, some slowing down even more than necessary just to make Sirius's eye twitch. Revenge really was sweet. However, they all still wanted to check out the happenings at Malfoy Manor. What strange thing was going on today? And, more importantly to Sirius, how many biscuits were involved?

Kingsley was getting a bit concerned about the Black's apparent addiction to those treats. First, he decided to try them even though they were made by the enemy. Then, he complained when he didn't immediately get some the next time they went on a mission. Just two weeks ago, he battled a Death Eater for a mound of them! And now he's running around screaming about biscuits and basic human rights! How in Merlin's name did that go together? Was he _insane_? Hold on—he's a Black. It's all good, perfectly normal behaviour for a Black. Must be from the family insanity, he thought.

Kingsley's worries soothed, the group went on over to the manor. They flew through their routine, asking about Riddle, where she was, if Mimsy was still wearing only one shoe, blah blah blah. The idea of breaking in next time crossed their minds. It would certainly be a nice change. Or maybe sneaking in through a window somewhere? Or, oh, what about digging a tunnel _under_ the manor in a zigzag pattern with spoons like Muggles? Or covering themselves in chocolate to toboggan down the road to the front door and covering the house elves with rainbow sprinkles—

"Knitting?" Molly asked, looking around the meeting chamber with glee. Yes! Something up her alley! Each member of the Inner Circle was holding a pair of needles in their hands and a small ball of yarn in their laps while sitting in comfortable, wooden rocking chairs. They were ironically organized in the shape of a circle, with their leader facing the door.

Seeing her Lady's sworn enemies, Bellatrix smiled. How thoughtful of them to come to the Knitting Bee! Her Lady would be pleased with more pupils to teach the Noble Art of the Needles. The crazy woman motioned them to sit down in the empty rocking chairs, and gave them some needles and yarn of their own. While the Order was getting used to the idea of Bellatrix smiling happily at them, creepily, they added, Tom continued her instruction.

"Now, take your right needle and insert it in the space between the other needle and the yarn loop. Go from the left of the front leg to the right of the back right leg," she said, trying to be clear. Her words only caused more confusion in her ranks, though, so she sighed and tried again, slowly saying, "Take the right pointy thing and put it through the yarn loop diagonally."

"Diagon Alley?" Mundungus asked, "What does that have to do with knitting?" He wanted to make his mum a scarf, she'd just love it, but this process was mind-boggling!

Tom threw her needles up in the air in frustration.

"My Lady? Is that what frogging your work means?" Lucius asked. The Death Eaters then threw their "scarves" and their needles up in the air as well, doing it exactly like their Mistress had. They had absolutely no idea why she started hollering at them to stop, though. They did it perfectly! Oh well, they still love her despite her odd behaviour at times.

Tom ran her hands through her hair, breathing deeply to try to calm herself. They weren't getting it! A large portion of her top Death Eaters just ruined her (their) hard work, Rodolphus was tangled in his yarn more solidly than any Acromantula could ever hope to achieve, Rabastan was holding his yarn to his chest and was whispering sweet nothings to it, Fenrir was busy making Remus blush, and Lucius was transfiguring his yarn into a kitten. Stupid minions! She wanted her Harry _now_!

Seeing how Tom was almost in tears, Mrs. Weasley decided to step in. She went around to every witch and wizard, individually showing them her method of knitting. After making sure they could both knit _and_ purl, she gave the big, bad Dark Lady a motherly hug. "Don't worry, dear, they understand now," she said softly in the woman's ear, "You did a wonderful job teaching them."

Tom was amazed at the kindness this witch was showing her. Did she not remember how Tom killed her brothers? How Tom killed so many other people? When asked this, the Weasley matriarch looked her in the eyes and told her that she has seen more in Tom than a cold blooded killer these past few months, and that since Harry loved her, Harry, who she considers her own son, she could make some room in her heart for Tom, too.

So while the Order and the Inner Circle were peacefully knitting together, Harry entered to see Tom in Mrs. Weasley's arms with one of her most brilliant smiles on her face. He found himself thankful for his pseudo-adoptive mum yet again; she truly was a wonderful woman. He handed Sirius a paper bag labeled "Dog Biscuits" in Tom's elegant handwriting as soon as he noticed him, making Padfoot dance around the room in joy, fist-pumping and making loads of whooping noises.

Harry decided that he couldn't wait for their next weird little get-together.


End file.
